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May 21, 2012
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Gomen Nasai (Though it may not be noticed...)

Journal Entry: Mon May 21, 2012, 1:42 AM
  • Mood: Anguish
  • Listening to: Ne-Yo - So Sick
  • Reading: Fanfiction of some sort...
  • Watching: RG Utena
  • Eating: popcorn
  • Drinking: water
If I might be permitted to quote GLaDOS for a moment...

"It's been a long time, how have you been? I've been busy being on hiatus..."
and for the stupidest reasons too.

Confession time

For the past year, I began to hate DeviantArt.

Don't misunderstand me, please! This is a wonderful website. Filled with beautiful and inspirational art, and even more beautiful and inspirational people. I've submitted a lot of work here. I've made many good friends here too. Believe me, it's not you guys I hate. Not at all.

You know that age old excuse "It's not you, it's me?" Well, it's not an excuse. It really is me. This website has helped me to grow as an artist in ways I couldn't have imagined. But for all the wrong reasons.

I don't wanna bore you with my life story but I do need to explain from the beginning...

I never really drew because I liked to draw. I mean it was great to watch my skill grow over the years, but I was never drawing simply for the enjoyment of it.

"Then what the heck were you drawin' for?!" you might ask.

The popularity. Yep... That's it. Hana was in it for the popularity game all along. Since day one of Nov. 3, 2006 when I joined, in fact.

Quoting Charles Schultz for a moment, "I was teased a lot for being the youngest in my class. When I went home at the end of the day, I'd grab some paper and take it all out on poor, ol' Charlie Brown."

Needless to say, It was the same for me.

Nonsensical nothings they were really, but everyone seemed to like them. My art was the one thing in school I wasn't teased for. Oh they still bothered me to be certain, but when I brought out my work, it stopped.

Long story cut short: After awhile, It wasn't enough, I wanted more. I saw all this awesome work on dA when I first joined and thought I could make it to the front page too.

That was almost 5 years ago now.

As selfish a wish it might have been, I really didn't have anything else. I practiced hard for hours. Days, weeks, years in fact. No change. To my status anyhow...

I did have one friend who continued to encouraged me to continue to grow as an artist but even she didn't know why I wanted to so badly.

Now she's gone(off at college) and I was left alone again. Not really. I had all of you here at dA, but there's something to be said for having a friend encourage you in person...

Well sometime last year, I began to feel really proud of my work and what I was doing. Completely ignoring the fact that I was still drawing for all the wrong reasons. Then came my moment of truth, I found a website called CGHub.

That place is filled with Artistic Gods! You think I'm lying? Go look -- CGHub

After that everything seemed to take a complete 180 degree turn for me. I started to realize just how insignificant my work was. In truth my work was feeling pretty repetitive at that point, seeing all this, only made it worse...

My inspiration went down, and yes my internet really was cut off back in August. It was actually restored this January. But by then, I was so bereft with indecision, I couldn't find the means to tell you all I had my internet back.

For the longest time, I'd wanted my popularity, and thought I was gaining it too(albeit, very slowly). I painted sun up to sun down, I joined clubs an groups on dA. And I switched from art program to art program like they were choice beverages!

CG Illust, openCanvas, Photoshop, Corel painter and then SAI to name a few. And you know how they say "it's not the tool, it's the artist?" LIE! BIG lie! For me? I assure you, the tool was (and still is) EVERYTHING.

Seeing the work of those artists at CGHub didn't make me want to aim higher, it brought me lower than i'd ever felt before. I finally understood why I wasn't getting any better, or getting what I wanted.

It was never the art I cared about. It was the attention that came with it.

I had known, but ignored. Now it seemed I couldn't draw at all! My inspiration was so low, I wasn't able to lift my pen tablet from last August to this years April.

Dang this is too long... Let me get to the point.

Though i'm still stuck at a wall, I didn't mean to simply disappear like I did. You guys were always so great to me (Watchers old and new, Fave'rs, and Comment'rs alike) and I started to feel bad for dismissing dA like I did. So this ridiculously long explanation is my way of saying...

Gomen Nasai! (I'm sorry!)

*Sigh* That feels good to let out.

Oh! please take note: This journal IS NOT my letter of resignation. I am not quitting dA, or my art.

I just felt I owed you guys something. I left messages unanswered, commissions unfinished, and basically snubbed good friends. I hope you guys can forgive me.

I don't plan on getting rid of this account. Not in the least! But until I can come to terms with what I should really do with my art, it'll be awhile...

One last time, gomen nasai!

Add a Comment:
 
:iconaikiyun:
AikiYun Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:iconcoffeeplz:

Inspiration is everywhere but it takes a while to find it. Once you do. Well. We'll always be here to help each other around.
Reply
:iconhana-keijou:
Hana-Keijou Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Arigato~ :heart:
Reply
:iconaikiyun:
AikiYun Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
No prob.  We're all looking forward for your return.
Reply
:iconhana-keijou:
Hana-Keijou Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Eto... that journal's kinda old you know? I've left and come back several times since then. In fact, I'm kinda back now! but only for a little bit. ^^;
Reply
:iconaikiyun:
AikiYun Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Haha.  Welcome back. :)
Reply
:iconhana-keijou:
Hana-Keijou Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Nice to be back~ :D
Reply
:iconaikiyun:
AikiYun Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Have a cup.

:iconcoffeeplz:

 
Reply
:iconhana-keijou:
Hana-Keijou Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Err.. Thanks. <_<
Reply
:icon47ness:
47ness Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
I know this is a pretty belated comment, but I just wanted to say I know all too well what you went through. It's a good thing you discovered your personal devotion to making art when you did. :nod: I see people who've tried to get into art much later in life but it's true that things get way harder when you don't start early, or keep practicing. :0

And yeah... it's addicting always trying to score more and more (and more!) attention on dA by any means necessary. :paranoid: It's so easy to get depressed just because something you worked on really hard only gets a fraction as many favs as [that artist over there]. ^^; But from what I can tell after 10 years on this site, the best thing you can do is just be true to yourself (people have a way of sniffing out phoniness/desperation given enough time) and really stay connected, both to your friends, and what matters to the art community around you. Those moments of fear should simply be moments to say "okay, I want to get THAT good, so let's start practicing!". :nod:


Really, all I'm saying is have some real goals set out for yourself and don't let any outside factors get in your way. (good to see you're really at it again after having written this post~) :w00t:
Reply
:iconhana-keijou:
Hana-Keijou Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Officially my most favorite message ever! Thanks a bunch hun, I appreciate it! :aww:
Reply
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