If I might be permitted to quote GLaDOS for a moment..."It's been a long time, how have you been?
I've been busy being on hiatus..."
and for the stupidest reasons too.Confession time
For the past year, I began to hate DeviantArt.
Don't misunderstand me, please! This is a wonderful website. Filled with beautiful and inspirational art, and even more beautiful and inspirational people. I've submitted a lot of work here. I've made many good friends here too. Believe me, it's not you guys I hate. Not at all.
You know that age old excuse "It's not you, it's me?" Well, it's not an excuse. It really is me. This website has helped me to grow as an artist in ways I couldn't have imagined. But for all the wrong reasons.
I don't wanna bore you with my life story but I do need to explain from the beginning...
I never really drew because I liked to draw. I mean it was great to watch my skill grow over the years, but I was never drawing simply for the enjoyment of it.
"Then what the heck were you drawin' for?!" you might ask.
The popularity. Yep... That's it. Hana was in it for the popularity game all along. Since day one of Nov. 3, 2006 when I joined, in fact.
Quoting Charles Schultz for a moment, "I was teased a lot for being the youngest in my class. When I went home at the end of the day, I'd grab some paper and take it all out on poor, ol' Charlie Brown."
Needless to say, It was the same for me.
Nonsensical nothings they were really, but everyone seemed to like them. My art was the one thing in school I wasn't teased for. Oh they still bothered me to be certain, but when I brought out my work, it stopped.
Long story cut short: After awhile, It wasn't enough, I wanted more. I saw all this awesome work on dA when I first joined and thought I could make it to the front page too.
That was almost 5 years ago now.
As selfish a wish it might have been, I really didn't have anything else. I practiced hard for hours. Days, weeks, years in fact. No change. To my status anyhow...
I did have one friend who continued to encouraged me to continue to grow as an artist but even she didn't know why I wanted to so badly.
Now she's gone(off at college) and I was left alone again. Not really. I had all of you here at dA, but there's something to be said for having a friend encourage you in person...
Well sometime last year, I began to feel really proud of my work and what I was doing. Completely ignoring the fact that I was still drawing for all the wrong reasons. Then came my moment of truth, I found a website called CGHub.
That place is filled with Artistic Gods! You think I'm lying? Go look -- CGHub
After that everything seemed to take a complete 180 degree turn for me. I started to realize just how insignificant my work was. In truth my work was feeling pretty repetitive at that point, seeing all this, only made it worse...
My inspiration went down, and yes my internet really was
cut off back in August. It was actually restored this January. But by then, I was so bereft with indecision, I couldn't find the means to tell you all I had my internet back.
For the longest time, I'd wanted my popularity, and thought I was gaining it too(albeit, very slowly). I painted sun up to sun down, I joined clubs an groups on dA. And I switched from art program to art program like they were choice beverages!
CG Illust, openCanvas, Photoshop, Corel painter and then SAI to name a few. And you know how they say "it's not the tool, it's the artist?" LIE! BIG lie! For me? I assure you, the tool was (and still is) EVERYTHING.
Seeing the work of those artists at CGHub didn't make me want to aim higher, it brought me lower than i'd ever felt before. I finally understood why I wasn't getting any better, or getting what I wanted.
It was never the art I cared about. It was the attention that came with it.
I had known, but ignored. Now it seemed I couldn't draw at all! My inspiration was so low, I wasn't able to lift my pen tablet from last August to this years April.
Dang this is too long... Let me get to the point.
Though i'm still stuck at a wall, I didn't mean to simply disappear like I did. You guys were always so great to me (Watchers old and new, Fave'rs, and Comment'rs alike) and I started to feel bad for dismissing dA like I did. So this ridiculously long explanation is my way of saying...Gomen Nasai! (I'm sorry!)*Sigh*
That feels good to let out.
Oh! please take note:
This journal IS NOT
my letter of resignation. I am not quitting dA, or my art.
I just felt I owed you guys something. I left messages unanswered, commissions unfinished, and basically snubbed good friends. I hope you guys can forgive me.
I don't plan on getting rid of this account. Not in the least! But until I can come to terms with what I should really do with my art, it'll be awhile...
One last time, gomen nasai!